But what I've just really wanted to say, after these 16 weeks of classes and life as a cadet pilot is, that it hasn't been what I initially thought it out to be, but at the same time, it has presented me with numerous surprising turns.
Today happens to be a rare day, of which I actually feel a little relieved of the usual stresses pressing down on me. From having to study all day, and with the dread of an upcoming test the following week. Ironically, it still is an upcoming week loaded with tests.
Mon - HPL; Tues - HR Haji (PH); Wed - Comms College Exams; Thurs - CAAS Comms; Fri - RNAV, GNAV? Instruments?
God knows when the GNAV and Instruments test will be, but I'm assuming Friday since it can't possibly be pushed to the following week and also cos it's only on one chapter - INS/IRS. As for GNAV, it's almost a consolidation test of all the chapters that we've covered so far, so I guess I'm gonna have to cover these two subjects this weekend.
It's a good feeling, being able to have the luxury of time to blog about all these stuff, and also to be able to feel the clicking of keyboard keys under my fingertips. I love the sound and the feeling of typing. Ewen once called me a keyboard shortcut warrior even. That's probably how much I love my keyboard. Well ok, that went a little off course.
So well anyway, not much time to provide detailed updates. Maybe it's also cos I'm sick of it too. But I'll just quickly list them in point form chronologically, picking up from where I left off.
- My grandma passed away. I was really sad to know that she was going to be gone forever, but yet at ease to know that she was better off and free of her mortal limitations.
- My grandma's passing was the turning point from which I felt like I was drifting away from my coursemates. Initially disappointed that they never did more to express their condolences, or even express more to display solidarity. But in retrospect, how silly was I to expect that?
Two reasons; #1, they couldn't even be bothered to go for the aviation career open house, and more recently, the graduation ceremony, (which could have provided for some good networking opportunities, hence increasing their chances of being employed), so why even bother coming for my grandma's wake? #2, spoilt insensitive rich brats, they are. - Relationships worsened. I was growing increasingly irritated and drifted away from them. Same could have been said for them.
- Studies started taking a hit. Slid from top in class to the worst performing. Increasing alienation from them made matters worse. I thrive on relationships with people, that's no hidden fact. And this was making things very tough for me.
- CAAS Exams. POF - 78%; M&B - 97% (surprise, surprise), Air Law - 77%, A/C Sys - 74%.
Failed A/C Sys by one mark. Tried appealing for that thinking that because it could have been that I was tested on one questions that was not supposed to be in the ATPL(A) exams, but for helicopters instead. Vapour cooling cycle. Will never forget this topic. But very interesting to read up on, seeing that it's the same process that cools the fridge.
Neither will I forget the day I woke up for my A/C Sys test. Horrible morning. Hadn't heard from Carol in days cos she was busy doing her own thing. Think she had just returned from a long flight and hadn't had many opportunities to talk to her either cos I was busy studying. So I woke up that morning, cos my coursemate, C, also decided to wake up extra early to study and his goddamned alarm kept ringing. He turned on the lights and was going to leave it on while studying in the room. I was finally awoken when I checked my phone to see some text messages from my best friend's wife, E. Now that certainly got my attention. Troubled me all morning. Stress is accumulative, or so I've learnt from HPL. Well it certainly was something I took with me all the way to the exam room. - Proceeded with the next phase while preparing for the re-sit. C needed to re-sit his M&B too, failed it by 1 mark, just like me. Scored 88% in the re-sit.
- Relationships continued to worsen. Deepening trough of misunderstanding and difference in personalities. I came upfront C once, asked him if anything was the matter to cause this increasingly noticeable riff. His reply: Nothing. He was just closer to B, and that was all.
- My birthday. Got a reply from Silk. JS said that she checked with her boss and turns out that they weren't going to be able to put me back into the cadet program. Not particularly sad news cos I was trying my luck anyways. I was prepared to pay for the entire course all by myself. Knowing that the job market was going to be looking good served to alleviate my worries in the short run.
Carol surprised me at the airport with Andrey and his wife. I was happy that we had a small little celebration, though I was still a little shook up by Andrey's problems. - Exams were over. Had a gathering at Brad's place. Things seemed ok at the gathering, and once again I was pondering on what the hell went wrong and what give reason for such alienation.
- 9 September 2013 - It was a Monday. JS called me twice. First time I missed her call, second time I picked it up albeit answering with a very irritable tone, wondering if it was another sales call. She said that she was from Silk. She said that she had spoken to her bosses and reviewed my case again. They were offering me an interview.
It took a little while for the reality to set in. The reality that I was going for a potentially life changing interview. I wanted to tell no one for a while. I remember only breaking the news to Mom and Carol. I didn't want to tell Dad yet until I signed, or finished the interviews at least. But Mom broke the news to Dad anyway. I told a few people, M - a mentor of mine, included. Asked HGS for permission to take the following Thursday off.
And I know I sound like a total dick for saying this, but suddenly the fantasies being able to be one step ahead and to shove all this in the faces of my coursemates come back to mind. The reason why I feel this way is due to their insolence and lack of character. Their disgusting attitudes and for being such spoilt brats.
But above all, it was a huge opportunity. The opportunity to free my parents of financial burden, to give them a happy retirement, to give Carol's folks a peace of mind, to set the wheels of being able to settle down with Carol in motion, and to have a job that I've always wanted. I never allowed it get to me. Till the day of the interview, just before the interview. - 19 September 2013 - Thursday. I screwed up, big time. Carol was still in TW. I never got the chance to talk to her the night before to calm myself down. I never got a chance to calm myself down before entering the interview room, to be honest. I was in a mess. I bombed the interview, went on speaking all kinds of gibberish and talking way too much. I still wonder what kind of impression I must have given Capt K and the CP.
I was totally distraught after that. I went over to Andrey's place, had a little catch-up with him. And E. And Andrey's mom. Gosh, if only. IF ONLY, I could introduce God to them, to eradicate all the ill-feelings and negativity that pervaded the household. But same can be said for myself as well. I was in a worser-off state than them. I was, and still am surrounded by C&B. (Btw, they managed to squeeze it out of me before I went for the interview. Eventually caved and told them that I was going for it, to which they wished me good luck) But what happened in the next few days made things better. - The very next day, I was back at SFC. I swear it seemed like an eternity before Friday arrived though. I called JS up in the morning using some cock-reason, then proceeding to ask her if she had any news of the results. She said that the results seemed promising. I felt a little better. Next, I saw KT in her office. She was really happy to hear that I got an interview, and advised me to pray to Our Lady for help. I was genuinely touched, extremely surprised that I heard Mother Mary being addressed that way by a devout Hindu.
I went back to the Novena on the following Saturday and prayed. I prayed and submitted myself into God's grace. I surrendered. I gave it all up, gave it all back to Him. I was tired, really tired. I couldn't do it all alone. I had come so far, and this is what it all really surmounted to in the end. I was back at the mercy of God. Not that I wasn't before this happened, but just that I chose to block God out and tried to do everything by myself. I knew that my efforts alone were never going to be good enough, not without God's help, but I always thought that doing my best to become a pilot also needed a lot of my own human input. For years I believed that God wanted me to do something that was more adjusted to His work. Helping others and inspiring them directly. Like being a brother, or a teacher. Obviously becoming a brother never worked out. Being a teacher, well, let's just say that that route never came to proper fruition. Though I was a lecturer for a while, I still wonder at times if I did manage to do any good.
So anyway, this is what it had all come to. Giving up, letting go. Saying to God, "God, this is it. You've led me this far, even if I had chosen to shut a blind eye to you and try not see your handiwork in all of this. Even if I had tried so hard and done my best in whatever it was to lead me to this day. In the end, you've truly shown me that, it all still comes down to you. I know that I have a 50-50 chance of getting the job. And even if I don't get it, I know that I'd still plough on to get the job done. But you've truly shown me, how far we've come. How much we've gone through. The twists and turns in the plot. The sacrifices made, opportunities forgone and taken. The people I've met along the way and the people who I've been able to inspire and motivate. The people who've done the same for me. Falling in love, as well as drifting away from friends. So many things Lord, have happened. I want to make it all right again. I want to be led back onto your loving, gentle, and guiding path. I give up. I finally say, yes, it is time. I have done my share, I am done with trying to be human. I am done with the "best" part of "Do your best and God will do the rest". I've come as far as I could. For the next step of the journey, I need you. I need you to lead me and show me the way. I need you to guide me and walk with me. I cannot do this alone. I need you Lord. I need you to show me how to be a better person, to regain who I was, when I was still your untainted son. I need to get back to become a person filled with love. I need to get back to being humble. I need to be your child again Lord." - 23 September 2013 - It was never just about getting a job. God made sure of that. He brought me back to Him. He brought me back to loving Him and accepting His plans and His gifts for me. To cut to the chase, I got the job. I got the frickin job! It was never my effort. It was God's work. Not mine, never mine. Even when I say that I was doing everything humanly possible to get to where I was before the interview, it was God all along. I merely kept trying to convince myself that I was the master of my life. But silently, I knew that I was never alone in this fight. Well anyway, so here we are. Eventually, I am told that my contract signing will be coming along soon. And that's that.
So, it appears that this short and sweet post never was meant to be short and sweet. But trust me, it is definitely a condensed version already, so to speak. There are events that I left out, such as the fateful encounters with two of my ground instructors, one of which led to an intervention where the three of us in the course finally thrashed things out, and decided to start on a fresh slate. Things appear to be fine for now. But as Ms S was just saying on our ride home after graduation, from the way she sees things, it doesn't seem like we'll be getting along like buddies, due to the differences in our personalities. She rightly recognizes that I'm merely putting up with them. Sadly, we will never experience the kind of bond that cadets usually do when coming through this hallowed place. Things have changed in SFC, and things are just about to change even more, with this:
So anyway, it's not like I'm shaken up over it. It's just that, things are changing, and I see myself in a transitional period as well. A period in which I am returning to God, and starting to let go of my human inhibitions. Looking out for a retreat to attend, and looking to improve myself in ways that would make God happy. And also, to make sure that I have a good start, reputation wise, in this industry.
It kicked off with emcee-ing the recent graduation ceremony, and by George, was it good. Thank God for that. It was smooth-sailing, least to say. I even met Capt G.Y, SVP Flt Ops - one of my many heroes of sorts. The guy who I literally dreamt of a night before the second interview. I never thought that I'd be able to relate the tale to him, but I sure did. God knows what sort of impression it gave him, but being able to say that we were all from SJI, Capt G.P included, was really a great feeling that day. Once again, all God's work, that I even managed to get into SJI in the first place.
Post-script edit. Abbreviations used:
POF - Principles of Flight
M&B - Mass & Balance
A/C Sys - Aircraft Systems
HPL - Human Performance Limits
INS/IRS - Inertial Navigation/Reference System - that device that assists an A/C in getting from one place to the next based on dead reckoning.
RNAV/GNAV - Radio/General Navigation
